OPERATION TOP 4

Dear Poolers,

For those of you below me (blow me fits perfectly) I would honestly call you guys out but the only guy who comes remotely close at giving me hell is Ricky Vallis...so I like my chances, thanks.

Months ago, I called out Rylan McKinley who seemed untouchable. Firing on all cylinders, Rylan actually perplexed me. His team was (and maybe still is, strict maybe) unstoppable and in all honesty, I didn't fear Rylan (because I fear no one - in pools anyway) but I respected him a lot more than most of you papagals.

Now, my team has near failed me in 5th place. With help of some illegal green medical substances I've been taking combined with grocery-store priced Stella Artois, this week I went Heath-Ledger-Dark-Knight nuts in my room talking to myself at late hours and I did a few deals. Did my team get stronger? Did my team get worse? Who knows, questions remain... (que the Unsolved Mysteries theme song).

My proposition to Rylan was simple; if you win I will leave the pool. If I win I take your most prized prospect. With months of speculations of where Rylan is and how he responds, he was nowhere to be see (see Steve Bartman, Chicago Cubs fan - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steve_Bartman_incident). Rylan never accepted my offer; and like any offer, they expire. You can't offer me a Chinese wife over the internet and one year later I say "Hey you know what, I'll take Chun Lee now". Doesn't work that way. So truth is, that offer is gone and I am here to stay until someone challenges me with intensity, integrity, intelligence...even then, we all know I'm the biggest dog around here and I'll chew your bones until they taste stale.

So now, I offer Rylan a truce: For Rylan and I to become the Rock n' Sock Connection, like Mick Foley and The Rock...Yes, Rylan you can be The Rock but I look a lot more like him I'm just saying. We work together until it is just us two, like in the Royal Rumble. But if your back is turned will I throw you over the top rope? Who knows, questions remain...

So listen Eddy Martinez, Mr. "Oh look at me, I'm 6'4 and I'm so damn handsome and I have perfect shoulders" Shut Up. Shut your face. You my friend are in for a rude awakening...everyone says you have the "perfect team"...Hombre, nothing in life is perfect...your team certainly isn't.

The Withers Brothers...Oh, the Withers Brothers...first off, Kevin...I have no clue how the hell you're still in first place, your team looks like Dollard-des-Ormeaux MAGH 2 out there...I'm not too worried about you, you'll fall faster than Burke's love for Colton Orr.

Matt Withers, I like you...but your team is the worst thing I've ever seen. Your team is more awful than Kathy Bates' tits in About Schmidt...if your team was a country, it would be the Congo...if your team was a movie, it would be Congo...if your team was a fighters ground game it would be Cheick Kongo's...you know what, I'm just going to leave it at that.

So Top Four...let it be known, this is bigger than East side-West side...I will pull back no punches. I am coming for all of you and I will die trying. This year for me is kill or be killed. Either I take it home or I walk a long road home (aka 7th Place). Rylan, I offer you a conditional truce...but if you make it to first place again, we have problems not even the humongous-big universe can handle.

SHUT THE DOOR ON THE TOP FOUR.


 "Whether you like it, or you don't like it, learn to love it...It's the best thing going today". - Ric Flair

Alex Giardini
Best Poolster to ever grace 5th Place/Marijuana Enthusiast

BOULI BRIGADE-EARLY JANUARY POWER RANKINGS

(Ah...ah...ah-ah, Stayin' Alive...)

BOULI BRIGADE - EARLY JANUARY EDITION (VOL. 2)

10) Jimmy Howard

Mr. Shut-the-fuck-out is on a roll with Detroit and is a huge reason why Detroit has surged out from below and into a favorite in the Western Conference. He had some shaky performances a few weeks back but the young American is turning into the franchise goalie Detroit thought he would be. As of now, he’s the best goalie in the NHL and only a few would rival him for the Vezina unless there is a breakthrough for some of the NHL’s other net minders.

9) Devante Smith-Pelly

Quite possibly sporting the best full name since Jesus Christ, Smith-Pelly turned heads when he scored against Montreal for Anaheim a few months back. Now looking back at history, when you score against the Canadiens, you become a lord (RJ Umberger, Blake Wheeler) and Devante is NHL ready. He might not amass all kinds of points for his first couple of years but his solid two-way play will help a struggling Anaheim for the future.
 It’s unfortunate that Pelle Pelle was injured for the World Junior Hockey club because the team could have definitely benefited from having him in the lineup.

8) Denis Wideman

It was only a few years ago that we didn’t think much of Denis Wideman. This is probably due to the fact that whenever Montreal played Boston he was paired up with Zideno Chara and that duo looked worse than two steel pylons in center ice whenever we would light them up for five goals. Fast forward to a few seasons later, Wideman is an asset to the Washing Capitals’ power play and is becoming a stronger two-way defenseman in the league. Does it help that Mike Green is somewhere strict sitting in a hospital bed watching all the Twilight movies? Well, more so than not. It doesn’t change the fact that Wideman’s recent performances has provided Washington with a much-needed spark.

7) Jason Spezza

Jason Spezza has also had a recent turn of events. Ottawa’s favorite whipping boy was once driving around with Wade Redden, both auditioning for the roles of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas 2. Now, he has become Ottawa’s most important player; whether he likes it or not. The truth is Spezza is living up to those expectations this season. It’s not like he has  glitz and glamour around him, but he is making the most out of what he has (which is an interestingly red hot Daniel Alfredsson, a surprising Milan Michalek and a offensive force/defensive farce Erik Karlsson).

6) Scott Hartnell

Trust me; I’m as surprised as you are. Not long ago, I paid roughly twenty dollars for his services and it was evident from the get-go he was getting me no more than 47 points. Philadelphia proved me wrong for thinking that all they had was Claude Giroux. They’re stacked squad on paper and are surprising most of us in the East. A natural grinder, Scott Hartnell is turning into an above-average power forward. He’s chatty, he’s annoying and he scores goals and puts up assists for the top line. Best grinder in the league?

5) Henrik Lundqvist

This is one of the other goalies I was talking about. Rangers in first place and although it’s a team effort, King Henry has been disgustingly unstoppable. He’s also quite the attractive, handsome man. (How is Avery the model in New York? Did you see Lundqvist board that plane in those shades on HBO?)

4) Brad Marchand

Five point nights…hat-tricks….its sad…simply because whether you want to admit it or not, Brad Marchand is a type of player the Montreal Canadiens have always been looking for. Fitting he plays on one of the fiercest rivals and he would never…ever…come here.

3) Marian Hossa

Patrick Sharp and Marian Hossa are starting to go together like unprotected sex and HIV. Hossa is having a career year and I don’t know what could possibly slow him down. Unless he gets injured, Hossa could definitely finish top five in the league and is possibly Chicago’s best forward right now.

2) Daniel & Henrik Sedin

It’s getting repetitive talking about how good the Sedins are, putting them on every top ten list, asking yourself which one is better than the other, which one is going to get top honors this year at the awards, which one will have a more successful career, which one will get more points than the other, would one ever get traded, who kills Roberto Luongo first…these guys are just great.

1) Evgeni Malkin

Sidney Crosby leaves big shoes to fill but Malkin is so nonchalant about that. This beast has become a playmaking machine, helping out with assists and goals for a team who should be in pain but are not. Besides the brothers at number two, he’s possibly the best player in the league and if the knee keeps on going, he will no doubt finish at the top of the heap. He’s making Alex Ovechkin look like Boris Mironov out there.

Bouli’s Guide To What Not To Do When Trading Players

Time and time again, trades are made with no remorse in this pool. Sometimes beneficial, sometimes regretful and sometimes made out of sheer boredom, almost every single one of us have made numerous deals over the past few years. Drunk trading in this pool is the equivalent to date rape. Someone can get drunk, whip out his smart-phone and then chaos ensues. At certain times, these trades offers can get a little over the top. The difference is when you date-rape someone there’s a process to follow; you cant just walk up to that ass and take it because that’s actual rape. That makes you a rapist, not a date-rape pickup artist. Also, some of us can come off as annoying and before the offer is even on the table, it’s more insulting than comical. Here are the necessary steps to follow so that you don’t come off as a total jackass.

*Please note: all examples and player examples are made up and none of these were ever offered or counter-offered to me or anyone else. So don’t get your balls in a bunch if you have a player that is mentioned and get upset because you never proposed that.

Bouli’s Guide to What Not to Do When Trading

1) The Trade Block E-mail

This one is hilarious. I actually love it, because there’s nothing better than waking up one morning and checking your e-mails only to find this:

TRADE BLOCK – THE FOLLOWING PLAYERS ARE AVAILABLE:

-Tom Kostopoulos $17

-Martin Gelinas $3

- Andrei Kostitsyn $82

-Paul Mara $32

-Patrick Poulin $0

-Jarome Iginla $118

-Sean Avery $17

-Gordon Bombay $1

Thanks guys, but I sort of know who is overpaid/sucks/not wanted on your roster anymore. I don’t really need an e-mail to help me understand that or to confirm it.

2) Is Everyone Really Available?

Sometimes you get a poolster who throws his year away and says that besides one or two guys, everyone on his team is available. Really? He even says he will give them away for cheap. Ok, sounds good, right? So you propose something fair, like a top-notch D-man for two third line forwards that may help you. Only to get a ‘‘are you kidding me? I’d never trade him; he’s white, $2 and plays with Jim Papagal and Marty Le Mort’’. Well, then thanks for letting me know that everyone was available but your girlfriend you schmuck-fuck. It gets better: you tell him I need a sixty-point forward and I will give you some of my farm guys. Poolster B says no problem, who were you thinking of? So you say something like, I don’t know, a Patrice Bergeron or Teddy Purcell type of guy. Only to get a message back saying ‘‘well if you want him you need to give me Datsyuk’’. You know what, shove your ‘‘available’’ roster (aka Devious Plan to Get Studs) in the free agency and run head first into a brick building.

3) Nice Try…but Do Me a Favour: Hang Yourself

The next time I get a casual text that says ‘‘McCabe for Vanek?’’, I will camp outside your house and when you get home, I will beat you repeatedly with a shovel to the head.

4) The Value of His Points

This one is my personal favorite. When making a blockbuster trade, lets say you approach someone who is out of contention and you offer him you’re first year, cheap superstar. Kind of like a Stamkos at $53 but he is injured so you need at least 3-4 guys to fill that void. So you give so-and-so Stamkos and he names you four third and fourth-liners who don’t see the light of day on the ice. But when you laugh in his face he responds ‘‘Are you serious bro? He has 15 points in 17 games’’. Now, lets break this down: where did those points exactly come from? If he was a third-liner who needed to fill the void at the beginning of the season because his team had injuries and he amassed a whooping 10 points in 6 games he must be worth it, right? No, shut your mouth and listen to me: the next 2 games, he gets 4 points. That leaves 9 games. All of a sudden, ‘‘Mr. Instant Clutch Player’’ has 6:07 minutes of ice time a game and he is a -12. The past 9 games he snored louder than your Uncle who came from out-of-town and wakes you up on a Saturday morning at 8:45am with his blow-horn nostrils. By the end of the year, the player gets 21 points. What a stud; made half of his points in the first 10 games and those won’t even count for me. Then there’s the 25 points in 20 games guys that usually pull 5 groins and their descriptions fit under ‘‘Justin Williams, Ray Whitney and Bill Guerin’’ and to be honest, at the end of the year these guys are in the ER  more often than George Clooney in 1995. Funny story: you guys remember at the beginning of the 2006-2007 season when Aaron Voros got like, 7 points in 5 games? Where is Aaron Voros now you ask? Your best bet is to go to IGA

Us as Coaches: If We We're NHL Coaches, Who Would We Be?

If Hollywood made 14 biopics, we would each be a star of our own movie. Here it is, boys: every single one of us as an NHL coach and why we are that person.

Ringer = Barry Trotz

I have nothing to say except for if I ever pissed off Barry Trotz, I could expect the same grief from the massive Scotty Stallone (and no, I`m not talking about his early porn career either). These two guys would make me shit my pants if I ever got on their bad side.  It’s safe to say Ringer and Trotz seem like genuinely nice guys, but what happens when you let in 4 goals on 8 shots? First Blood.

Delaney = Dale Hunter

Dale Hunter was always a tough son of a bitch. Delaney saves the world and his arms are massive. Hunter and Delaney both have Ovechkin and inherited nice teams. How can these guys not be the same guy? You know what; I’d like to see an arm wrestling match between Delaney and Braganza at the start of next draft. Winner gets Scottie Upshall from me and all of his combined 68 games over the past 5 seasons.

Tim = Kirk Muller

Tim is relatively new and so is Kirk Muller. Both are great guys as well. Although did Chuck Maurice fuck it up before Tim Muller even took the job? You bet your ass he did.

Joey = Alain Vigneault

Vigneault isn’t the flashiest guy, but he gets the job done. Sort of like Joey. Joey doesn’t have the most glamorous team in front of him but last year he knew what to get out of every player. Exactly like Vigneault did with The Canucks last year only he came up short. But Joey took it all home. His quiet and reserved pool tactics are reminiscent of Vigneault`s success where he stays under the radar for the most part. Now let’s hope Joey doesn’t ruin his franchise like Vigneault nearly did to ours.

Canella = John Tortorella

You can always count on Joe Canella to throw up his hands in the air and say ‘‘Fuuuck this’’ after 3 games into the season on opening night. They also make us believe we should feel bad for them when they give up or trash an analyst at the post-game presser. Canella and Tortorella are not alike because they are Italian or because their names rhyme; it`s because they have zero tolerance for patience. Every time Torterella smiles after blowing a two goal lead and is now trailing by a score of 4-2, I think of Canella automatically and the stuff he puts himself through. A word of advice to Joe Tortorella: don’t give up in the first quarter of the season; it`s the last half that counts.

Ricky = Tom Renney

Let’s face it: Tom Renney`s teams have sucked for years and so have Ricky’s. Now Ricky has some superstars just like Tommy Boy and could very well contend in the near future. But Renney could be unlucky too and luck follows Ricky like a healthy love life follows Kim Kardashian. (I don’t expect Ricky to make a sex tape any time soon either…Kevin, you see that one yet? It’s not as good as the ScarJo pictures). Hopefully with a new team and a fresh start, both can end their lacklustre careers. Why can’t anyone else but Ricky be this unlucky?! Ricky is the nicest t guy ever. Why don`t we all just toss him a player at the end of the season, no? (You can have Gilbert Brule).

Housey = Lindy Ruff

One of the most successful and storied coaches in the NHL today, Lindy Ruff has always been one of my favourites. Housey always has a good team and makes sure he gets stellar players every year. His trades this month proved he will only get better much like Buffalo in the off-season. Ruff does come up a little short sometimes when making playoffs but these days it`s a little different. Housey is ever improving and he will guarantee makes our version of the playoffs (Top 5) in the near future.

Eddy = Dan Bylsma

Who doesn’t like Eddy? Who doesn’t like Danny B? Every year Eddie has a stellar team and Ballsma does too. We all say Eddy is lucky when it comes to everything in life much like Bylsma when he inherited the Pens…or did he actually unearth the demons to win a cup? Probably unearthed the demons, the guy deserves it. But he’s kind of lucky to have a top 3 goalie and the two best players in hockey isn’t he? Much like Eddy, who is so lucky he can shit his pants and I could barf on his face and girls would still fantasize about him when they get home that night.

Matt = Ron Wilson

I can’t think of a better fit for Matt than this waste of life. Ron Wilson is obnoxious as Christ and so is Matt to many of you. I won`t lie, I love Matt. I find he is the most entertaining and lively guy in this pool. Their managerial skills are so similar: do great things with shit teams. We can’t stand Ron Wilson and he plays the heel well. I think I couldn’t come up with a better compliment for Best Pool’s favourite father.  (Honestly, Matt = Ron Wilson is the best thing I’ve thought of. Well, the best thing since my invention: Saran-wrap condoms: you just wrap it around your fahjool and then just peel off when you’re done.  )

Kevin = Paul Maurice

Definitely everyone’s favourite poolster, K.W. can do no wrong. But because he fucking drafts the most hated players in our lives gives his team the can’t-stand factor. I can’t stand Paul Maurice. All the respect for him in the world, but good Christ almighty do I want to put a bullet through his temples. Why Kevin? Your team does not need the entire Leafs roster and the Brett Lindros’ of today’s NHL. You’re supposed to be Doug Boutabi and your brother is Steve Boutabi. Just keep it that way.

Alex = Guy Boucher

Why not glorify myself as a young, better-looking-than-most coach’s kind of guy? As you all know, I came in here and took Best Pool to new heights. Boucher comes to Tampa and makes a team out of nothing and almost ends up in the Stanley Cup Finals. Does this remind you of anyone? Correct me if I’m wrong, but Boucher could have been the youngest coach to win the Cup? Could I be the youngest to win Best Pool? Love me or hate me (quite the latter isn’t it?!) I came in here and made an impact. Now could I crumble like Boucher did last year?

John Simpson = Peter Laviolette

Johnny is a hell of a lot prettier than Laviolette. I actually want to take Laviolette`s face and put it through a meat grinder but I would never do that to John. Last year, John almost made history by winning this pool in his second or third year if I am not mistaken. Laviolette is also that good. They remind me of each other because even if they have a new challenge in front of them, they deliver.

Devin = Mike Babcock

Mike Babcock has this face that I don’t necessarily hate but I don’t like either. No, that’s not the same case for Devin. Our beloved administrator has quite a nice, charming look that would make most Irish girls drop their Sam Adams’ and fornicate on the spot. In coaching terms, Babcock always has a team in front of him. If you know anything about hockey, you must know that every year Detroit must be included as a favourite because of their rich history. Every year, Devin has a stellar team. Even last year when he basically threw away his year, he had players that we would take in an instant. Devin is always a threat.

Rylan = Scotty Bowman

Not because Scotty Bowman is ancient and Rylan is the oldest guy in our pool, clocking in at 38 years old. It’s because they have the same mind. Bowman always had a good team in front of him. Every year, he wasn’t only a contender but a favourite. This reminds me of Rylan so much. The guy could draft five fourth-liners and they will lead the NHL in scoring in December. Bowman was a hockey genius and I’m starting to think the same when it comes to Rylan. He’s an absolute machine. Helps when you got Yzerman/Federov in front of you doesn’t it? Helps when you got Doughty/Karlsson for a combined total of $20? But seriously, if I compare Rylan to anyone, it’s the legend Scotty Bowman. Only time will tell if Rylan becomes a Best Pool legend as well.

THE BOULI BRIGADE: NOVEMBER EDITION POWER RANKINGS

10) Nick Leddy

Mr. Zero Dollars himself would even be surprised. Nick Leddy has become a comfortable puck-moving defenseman on Chicago and looks more impressive after each game. His confidence and ability to finish is always improving. It’s safe to say Leddy has taken over the offensive input of Brent Seabrook and fits nicely being paired up with Duncan’s ‘‘Toy Chest’’ Keith (It’s from Home Alone, you idiots).

9) Jason Garrison

Not many people know who this guy is but when someone starts talking about ‘‘the guy on Florida with the slap shot’’, you automatically know who they are talking about. The Panthers did need Brian Campbell to step up as a top ten defenseman but nobody knew Garrison was the second coming of Al McInnis. He is not exactly the sole reason Florida is at the top of the Eastern Conference but his input definitely counts as a reason.

8) Sidney Crosby

I’m just going to leave this one blank.

7) Jason Pominville

Honestly, I thought this guy was 43 years old and that he was going to retire. If you are impressed with Buffalo so far, look no further than Pominville. Yes, Vanek is tearing it up like prime Federov but Pominville has embraced his role as a captain and is having a great start in terms of statistics. After a few streaky years, hopefully he can continue the pace.

6) Jonathan Quick

Two years ago, this guy was the next Sean Burke. As Los Angeles mercilessly switched from Quick and Bernier, you got a sense that this team was fucked and had no goalie to begin with. After a few shutouts and Osgood-esque performances, Quick has been standing on his head to revive a team that has not seen any brightness since Wayne left. It’s very premature to assume, but he’s the forerunner in the Vezina race as of now.

5) Mike Richards

Another guy on Los Angeles who is tearing it up is Mike Richards. I don`t quite understand those who thought his numbers would fluctuate when he left Philly. With that being said I’m wouldn’t be surprised if he could post career high points in Los Angeles. He looks more natural when scoring goals and is the perfect two-way player the Kings have desperately needed. If you think Jared Stoll was going to get it done, please kill yourself.

4) Claude Giroux

Am I wrong to think he is the sole reason Philadelphia is doing well? Briere hasn’t exactly excited me and I’m quite glad I cracked to Kevin at the draft table. Giroux is not only looking like a point-per-game guy but you can guarantee a goal and an assist whenever he plays. If Corey Perry did it last year, Le Roux Giroux could very well be the guy this year. His porn stache also makes Parros look like an over-developed 12 year old.

3) Phil Kessel

Matt, Kevin and I`m not quite sure who Delaney supports but if you like the Leafs I’ve got to include you…Blow me, he’s the Alexander Mogilny of 2011.

2) Kris Versteeg/Erik Karlsson (TIE)

Bold prediction: Versteeg gets the Florida captaincy next year.

Bold predicition: Erik Karlsson will be the only remaining Senator on the payroll after this season

1) Ryan Nugent-Hopkins

Chicken Nugget-Hopkins is going absolutely ballistic. So is Ryan Smyth, J-Ebz and Taylor Hall & Oates but Nugent-Hopkins came out of nowhere and is making a strong case for the Rocket Richard trophy if he keeps it up. Edmonton’s success is surprising just about everyone but Hopkins has become the number one fantasy pick thus far in most probably every Yahoo! Pool you can find. Can someone tell me exactly where Pajaarvi is, and if he is still employed or alive? Hopkins will be the 2009-2010 Stamkos of this year.

Top 10 Reasons Sidney Crosby Owns Us All

10) He makes us forget Evgeni Malkin plays in the Eastern Conference

9) We never pulled all-nighters with Mario Lemieux listening to Roch Voisine and making fun of Jaromir Jagr

8) We will never get as much ass living in a basement for six years

7) He makes Flyers fans hate that they have Claude Giroux

6) We couldn`t have cared less if Erik Cole had 5 points (I’m talking to you RDS)

5) We could never give Tim a Peter North-sized boner like the one he has now

4) The Eagles would ask him to be their QB (yahtzee!)

3) He makes Pascal Dupuis become Pavel Datsyuk

2) Even if we were homosexual, it wouldn`t be a big deal

1) We could never come back after being inactive for over a year and skullfuck the ice we are skating on.

Thanks Sid

P.S. Imagine I sent this to him?!

Operation dRYLANd: The Official Call-Out

(Please note this is my evil alter ego and that I do not intend to personally attack anyone. This is for fun and I simply want to spice up our mediocre lives. Rylan is actually nicer than half of you guys and the truth is out of everyone I would trust him the most if he had to babysit my child. I mean no harm to him or anyone else if my alter ego intends on coming after you, brother.)

Rylan…you absolutely suck. I couldn’t find any other word with Rylan in it so I opted for dryland, which defines what your players will be playing on come February. You’re lucky my fat ass didn’t invest in a webcam because you would have seen me crying drunk and shirtless, telling you that I’m coming for you. It’s been weeks that I’ve been calling you out and all you do is hide at the top of Mount BestPool. Well, Rylan….I must be Sir Gawain and you’re the fucking Green Knight. I must be Winona Ryder’s boyfriend and you’re Edward Scissorhands. Only this time, you won’t stab me in the chest with your decrepit knife fingers. (Let’s pause for a second: honestly, how hot was Winona Ryder in Edward Scissorhands…Good Lord. If I could go back in time, I would caress her face and make her a sandwich. Ok, I’m back).

You piece of mouldy fantasy pie. I’m calling you out Ryland but we’re upping the stakes. I know you won’t accept my offer. Why? I’m not going to say you’re a coward. That word is a heavy and misused, kind of like the word hate. I’d say that you’re scared. Why? The truth is I don’t lose bets in this pool. Last year, I called out Joe Canella. I blew him out of the water. You see, you can be in the money every year. You can win multiple years. But when you go one-on-one with the Boulium, you stand no chance in hell. 1-0. That means I’m undefeated. You’ve been here too long. It’s a passing of the torch. You’re Tracy McGready, I’m Derek Fuckin’ Rose.

Here’s the deal you’ve been waiting for:

If I beat you this year Rylan, you give me Nail Yakopov. Since you can’t give him to me for free,

you give him to me for the dirtiest kind of cheap. You give him to me for nothing, and by nothing I mean Jiri Hudler / Scottie Upshall one-for-one nothing.  

If you beat me this year Rylan, I will leave Best Pool forever.

This isn’t called Alex vs. Rylan, this is called:

NAIL IN THE COFFIN

MAH GAWD

Alex Giardini

BestPool Correspondent/Coffin Constructor/Each one of your sisters think I’m prime Shawn Michaels